The USS Quad Damage

A sharp pain in the left side of my chest brings me to my senses. Wiping the blood from my face and the tears from my eyes, I take a quick look at my surroundings. Before me stands Sunny Theodore Worthington III, scourge of Bulgaria, slayer of three renegade AFL teams, keeper of the fairly well-kept secret of the ages, inventor of Astrolube and all-round top bloke. We call him The Pink Ninja. A startled look is upon his face, and a question is forming on his lips. I give him a moment for the saliva in his mouth to properly form into a series of characters readable only by the Mongorian Chop Squad. Why is there a pineapple in my hand? The answer is obvious. "A ninja never takes his vital organs on a dangerous mission, lest his enemies use them against him. Surely you learnt this at ninja school?"

I leave him to ponder this, and give my attention to my unconscious team members. I cut their bonds, and do my best to bring them round, but to no avail. If urinating on their chests won't awaken them, then nothing will. Perhaps when the drugs in their system wear off they will catch up with us on our mission. My thoughts reverberate in my mind. Our mission. Reaching into an extra-dimensional space located in my right ear, I pull out the plans and go over them again, for the convenience of our readers.

REALLY TOP SECRET H.I.N.C.H HQ SECRET PLANS FOR MONGORIAN CHOP SQUAD (SECRET)

ALL MEMBERS OF MCS ARE CALLED TO SECRET ACTIVE DUTY. YOUR SECRET ORDERS ARE AS FOLLOWS.

LOCATED IN THE CENTRAL PACIFIC IS THE NAVAL VESSEL "USS QUAD DAMAGE". YOU ARE TO INFILTRATE THIS VESSEL AND MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE BOTTOM OF THE HULL WHERE THE SECURE HOLDING ROOM IS LOCATED. INSIDE THIS ROOM IS A REALLY, REALLY BIG SAFE. YOU ARE TO BREACH THE ROOMS SECURITY, CRACK THE SAFE AND RETRIEVE THE SECRET CARGO FOUND WITHIN.

ALSO ATTACHED IS A NOTICE REGARDING YOUR UNPAID CABLE BILL. THE FOLLOWING PAY-PER-VIEW FILMS ARE STILL AWAITING COMPENSATION

- ANAL INFILTRATORS #7
- SECRET NINJA SHENANIGANS
- SUPER KAWAII SEXY CAPCOM COSPLAY VIDEO ADULT ONLY 18+ BIG GROWING FUN TIME!
- BABE: PIG IN THE CITY

I stop reading. This is getting embarrassing. I motion to the Pink Ninja to come to me, and spread out a map of the USS Quad Damage out over the table he had been constructed from mutilated midget parts. Powerful percussion music begins playing, and we start drawing our plan of attack on a previously unmentioned whiteboard. After a series of unconventional camera angles, the montage ceases, and we re-enter real time. I comment on Sunny's brilliant final touch to our plan. "By Jove, that's so crazy it just might work. It's very fortunate and convenient that I happened to bring along that donkey, or else we wouldn't be able to pull this off!"

The two of us leave the lab, and begin making our way to the first stop to the secret vault - the mess hall. Little did we know that we were being followed by the traitorous Blood Ninja...