The USS Quad Damage

The official document for the Musically Enriching Talent of Australia League.

Our Mission Statement: To create a positive environment in which all Australians are free to live their lives, to provide a strong economy, better security, more job opportunities and to back it all up with a good education policy. Nah, just kidding. Our goal is to give the average citizen the maximum potential to rock the fuck out.

Economic Policy: We will abandon the Australian Dollar, and all trade will be done with band merchandise. A rough guide to the value of our new currency compared to the old is as follows.

5c: Picks that may or may not have been used by that Mayer bloke.
10c: "Pills". Yeah, you know.
20c: Um Lammer Jammy PSX discs.
50c: Fifty Cent. Haha.
$1: Mix Tapes.
$2: Bootleg recordings.
$5: Band T-Shirts.
$10: Underwear signed by RHCP.
$20: Underwear worn by RHCP.
$50: Underwear worn and signed by RHCP.
$100: Sacrifices of non-believers.

Security Policy: We will introduce stronger border control laws, and anyone found colouring outside the lines will be shipped to a detention centre until they learn to draw neatly, as proved by their earning of a pen license. In order to protect our nation from foreign powers, every citizen will be given a guitar and will under go a 6 month training course in it's operation. All guitars will go to 11.

Education Policy: The school system will stay mostly as is, but in order to advance to the next year of schooling, at the end of each year every student will have to show aptitude in a number areas in order to begin the next year of study.

Kindergarten: Knowledge of the Moh Chant. Come on, nobody ever fails Kindergarten, right?
Year 1: Summoning the presence of The Dark Lord through either ritual sacrifice, the eating of a live bat's head, or asking really, really nicely.
Year 2: The ability to recite the lyrics of at least three songs from Ride The Lightning.
Year 3: Students must spend an entire day speaking only in the "evil, raspy, Satan-induced metal voice". Children are permitted to take up smoking in order to achieve this goal.
Year 4: Japanese rock ninjas will attack students with padded guitars. Successfully defending oneself for a period of 2 minutes is necessary for graduation.
Year 5: Students will be asked to create a sick arse riff over a two week period. Said riff must be performed not with a guitar, but with their mouths. Didila-didila-neeeeer!
Year 6: A literacy and maths aptitude test. Hey, we're at least a little bit responsible.
Year 7: Moshing quality will be observed and evaluated. Main criteria will be knocking others unconscious with blows to the head, and the amount of vomit launched after the displays conclusion.
Year 8: Air guitar skills will be assessed, with extra points awarded if the student, at the end of their performance, somehow manages to break the instrument that isn't actually there.
Year 9: An 8 minute speech on whether you prefer Pantera or Machinehead. Students will not be made aware that the content of their speech is immaterial, and that they will only pass if they, at some stage, throw "the horns".
Year 10: The submission of a 10 page essay on one of the following topics. Mullets and their impact on low-income Australia, Smashing Pumpkins - Menace to society? or Mum, I'm running away to become a groupie, and here's why.
Year 11: Bribes.
Year 12: Students are only required to survive to the end of this year, since history, maths, science et al will be replaced with drugs.

Successfully passing each year will net the student $10 and a sheet of either awesome Transformer stickers or pretty Barbie faux tattoos.

Employment Policy: Everyone will be too wasted to go to work, so, um, we don't know about this one.

Foreign Policy: The actions of the Liberal Party are quite foreign to us. We will make strides toward improving our relations with our neighbours, and encourage the creation of a union similar to that of the EU. We're thinking of calling it "The Holy Empire of Thrash", but like, I don't know. We're flexible. Seriously, anything is cool, as long as it's cool, yeah?

Social Policy: All existing marriages will be null and void. We will all be considered Brides of Satan. The national anthem will be replaced by one of the good Pearl Jam songs, and will be rotated on a weekly basis. There will be an investment by the government into improving hearing-aid technology, since God knows we'll be needing it. We will retain the monarchy, but only if The Queen promises to go back to the stone age (get it?!). Every day will be Sunday.

METAL Party Members (Please add yourself to the list).

President: M. Ahram
Minister for propaganda: N.Partridge
Mic Check: H.Kalsi (haha sucked in)
Honorary Member: Dio (But he's not allowed to rock anymore. He's too old).