The USS Quad Damage

Calm like a bomb

Light. Beautiful, painful, cursed light. Sometimes, being conscious is the single most difficult thing imaginable. Where am I? Looking around, I see my fellow Chop Squad members. We seem to be in some sort of medical lab, all strapped to examination tables, our secrets laid bare for all to see. What happened? Is this the aftermath of one of our excursions to the local ninja watering hole? No. Definitely not. There are a lot fewer blocks of cheese this time around. Suddenly, it all comes back. We, the elite stealth team of H.I.N.C.H, with our years of meticulous, dangerous, sweaty, sexy training, were ambushed.

The word tasted foul and bitter upon my tongue, with a faint trace of salsa near the back. Had my mouth not been gagged I would have spoken the word out aloud, in order to confirm the awful taste of defeat. Our awesome skills were served with a topping of failure. Something suspicious was cooking, and I suspect there was trouble brewing, and something fishy was afoot. Although danger is the meat and potatoes of a Mongorian Ninja's life, sometimes the spice of the mission got a little too heated, and we would lose sight of our objectives in an avalanche of bad food metaphors.

How could this have all happened? Could Admiral von Schauser's security detail really be more than enough to defeat us? I took another look around. It seems that one of us didn't make it. A horrifying thought occurred to me. We had a traitor in our midst. Unfortunately, since we are all still in our black ninja-suits, I am not able to identify the member missing. My greatest fear is a missing member. My thoughts were interrupted by the opening of a door, revealing a short, snooty looking man in a lab coat. I could tell by the part in his hair and the faint smell of strawberries that he was an Englishman.

He opened his mouth, and confirmed my suspicions. "You may be wondering why you are all still alive, despite being pumped full of searing hot lead. Suffice to say, the reason is needlessly complex and full of plot holes. It is the Admiral's wishes that you all be cut open and studied, so that our men may eat your collective livers and gain your awesome magic and skills. You will all be kept alive during this process, and we intend on selling the videotapes of this event on eBay."

And there it was, our ultimate foe had finally revealed itself. The Admiral had performed a Coup d'etat on the 2nd evilest criminal organisation on time's 100 most evilest criminal organisations list of 2010. His power has now increased tenfold. What originally was to be a simple pilfering of goods mission had now gone thermonuclear, and I sure as hell don't know why. Of course, this was all just boring plot development. More importantly, we need to figure a way out of our more immediate predicament. I did the only thing I could do.

I flipped out.