The USS Quad Damage

The undead and you: A primer

Originally, this article was going to be about Calista Flockhart, star of Ally McBeal. However, it turned out there was a miscommunication, and that I was asked to write about the undead, and not the unfed. I will endeavour to avoid such mistakes in the future (this is a lie.)

Zombies - Ever heard someone spout nonsense about children being the future and that the human brain is the most important resource of all? Odds are that person is a Zombie Lord, and is looking to feed your children's sweet, sweet brains to his followers. Zombies come in two flavours - those that are raised by some kind of voodoo or black magic, and those that are the result of a virus. Neither tastes very good. The best method for dealing with them is with a shotgun and, failing that, being able to move faster than a toddler.

Skeletons - I consulted our local skeleton expert, one Christopher Bosma, who gave me the following advice:

Try and strike up a dialogue with the skeleton. Ask it how it is able to keep its form, despite not having any muscles and the like between the bones. Watch as it falls to a pile of bones at your feet, in deference to your masterful logic. Man, are you awesome or what.

Vampires - Easily spotted by their pale, pale skin and out of date clothing. Not to be confused with Counter-Strike players. Despite what you may have learnt from popular media, the only way to kill a vampire is to submerge them in clean water. Incidentally, this approach also works for players of Counter-Strike.

Ghosts - Patrick Swayze's career is in the toilet, so I wouldn't expect any trouble from these guys.

Mummys - A mummy has damage resistance of 5/+1, so keep that in mind when trying to strike them in combat. This, combined with the fact that they only take half damage from physical attacks, means that using fire is your best form of attack (from which they take double damage!) They are always lawful evil.