The USS Quad Damage

Foreign languages and you: A primer

If making fun of other cultures is quite working as a form of entertainment, there's always a firm family favourite to fall back on - crappy accents! Hopefully, this guide will give you some insight on how to approach a faux version of a language (note: it won't.)

Arabic - If an Arabic speaker spits on you, don't worry - it's just the pronunciation of a certain consonant. Their written language is really pretty.

Chinese - The crazy thing about Chinese is that there are a whole bunch of dialects, which means a lot of Chinese-speakers can't actually communicate with each other verbally. I will give a quick run down on the two dialects you are most likely to encounter.

Mandarin - If it sounds beautiful and melodic, it's probably Mandarin. Hero, and other high budget films like it are usually in Mandarin.

Cantonese - If it's spoken rather loudly and is made of harsh sounding tones, it's probably Cantonese. If you're watching a film called something like "15 Iron Monkey Police Squad Killers 8", it's most likely to be in Cantonese (and be totally awesome.)

Ebonics - I just don't understand.

German - As I noted in an earlier post, German is a harsh, scary language full of authority. Prepare yourself for a little bit of phlegm. They have one extra letter in their alphabet, and it is as useless as the state of the jokes now found at our local tim's Garden centre.

Hebrew - The true language of love.

Hindi - Fine, I admit I know nothing about this language. However, can you ever take someone speaking to you in an Indian accent seriously? I know I can't!

Japanese - This language is overflowing with borrowed words from English, so if you ever need to communicate with a Japanese person, just change your L sounds to an R sound and end every word with either "-o" or "-u". If there is any confusion, make a V sign with your fingers.

Russian - The key to sounding like you are from Russia is to hold your shirt over your mouth when you speak. That's all there is to it.

Spanglish - The language of the future. I am not allowed to say anything more on this secretive topic.

Urdu - Hindi. Seriously, Indians and Pakistanis are the exact same people. The reason they have this whole "two countries" charade is so they can have two international cricket teams. Those bastards.