The USS Quad Damage

Racial stereotypes and you: A primer

The cornerstone of the bag of jokes that everyone keeps stored in their mind is how we are all so different, which makes this a perfect first topic to tackle. Black people drive like this, white people drive like this.

Chinese - Don't mess with these guys. They can all go kung fu on your arse in an instant. And, if they don't happen to know kung fu, odds are that they "know some guys" that do. And by "some guys", we're talking about a few dozen. They look good in suits, however.

English - The English live dangerously close to my people, and so I dare not speak ill of them. But, come on, we all know these clowns.

German - The angriest people on earth. Ever their damned moon language is angry. A kind old German lady could ask you if you'd like some candy, and you'd cower in fear, thinking she's threatening your life and questioning your heritage. Although maybe that's just me.

Greek - Spartans - need I say more?

Indian - For some evil, diabolical reason, all Indians drive Camrys. This, combined with their computer expertise and scary hot foods have me convinced that they will be the downfall of western civilisation.

Irish - The Irish accent is clearly the greatest of them all. Admit it - an Irish lass could be albino, have but three teeth and suffer from leprosy, yet you would still marry them in an instant if you heard them say the words "for sure". Well, at least I would.

Japanese - Their hair is naturally shiny and beautiful. You could set it on fire, douse it in acid and then feed it to a pig, and it would still remain unscathed. They have a tendency to be crazy. Or make you crazy. I can never tell which.

Korean - Apparently they all smell of garlic. I don't know why.

Pakistani - See Indian. They're all the same really.

Polish - They see cars as impulse purchases. Don't expect them to drive the same vehicle you saw them with last week. They also have major breath issues, yet aren't sensitive to the fact. Crazy.

Russian - Evil, and then some. If you are Russian, you are somehow involved in a crime syndicate - possibly without your knowledge of the fact. Inside every Russian is a cannibal just waiting to come out, and I don't mean it as a metaphor or as a personality defect or the like. There really is a little person inside all of them, biding their time until we let down our guards. Be wary.

Scottish - We are the master race, and the world will soon be ours. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day. We're just waiting until you all get drunk or something.

Spanish - Spaniards want to hurt you. Drop your guard for just a second and expect a swift sidekick to the ribs. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Vietnamese - The very definition of dodgy. They will camp the red armour, cheat at cards and break your brother's Warcraft II CD. Approach with caution (and perhaps a weapon).

Disclaimer - Most of the information above is based on people I know. Compared to the numbers of these groups of people as a whole, this may prove to be an inaccurate sample at best. Seriously, using this collection of what is mostly in-jokes as factual information will get you killed.