The USS Quad Damage

Same rape, other hole

I'm making a joke about homosexuality and apple products. Some people call homosexuals "assbandits", which some gay dudes may find offensive, but I'm sure some are still giggling...

That can't be right, I thought. I have an iPhone, not a fucking iPod.

My mum got an iPhone 3GS. I thought “OK, let's see this thing that everyone claims is like a thousand times better than an Android”. I opened the box, which is quite pretty and small, and the phone promptly fell out onto the floor. Owing to the way the phone holder thingie is built, if you open the box even at a slight angle, the phone will simply slide out of it’s holder and fall down.

Not a great start. I then went to look for where to put the SIM card, and eventually found a cryptic pin thingie and an image showing how to remove the little tab on the top of the phone to insert the SIM card. Strange and fiddly, but at least straight forward. Right! Switched on the phone after a lot of guesswork, because they don’t print the usual on/off symbol anywhere on the phone. In fact, the phone doesn’t really have much on it at all.

The phone then tells me to do the swipey thingie and has an image of a USB port connecting to iTunes. “No thanks Mr Phone”, I say. “I just want to make a phone call”. No dice. After swiping (which it tells me to do in a few different languages) it then gives me a dial pad. Yay? I start to dial a number, and it says “Emergency numbers only”. I eventually figure out that the text at the top in friggin' chinese means “Emergency calls”. Looks like the USB into iTunes wasn’t asking me. It was fucking commanding me to connect it to iTunes.

That can’t be right, I thought. I have an iPhone, not a fucking iPod. I don’t need iTunes. I searched the internet. I found in some fine print on the apple web site that you need iTunes to activate your iPhone. Now I was getting angry, but I decided “fuck it, just activate the damn phone and I'll be done with it”. Click the links and install.

It was 89 megs. What the fuck kind of application takes 89 fucking megs. Firefox renders the entire internet using like a thousand different standards and it’s 5 megs. I was fuming as the thing downloaded. I had no CD or anything come with the iPhone to install the fucker.

89 megs later and an agonisingly long install, I’m pecking through the “Accept license agreement” thing. I realise I can’t click “Continue” or “Next” because the iTunes window isn’t big enough, and there aren’t any scroll bars or other notification that I need to get to the bottom of the window to click fucking next. I eventually figure out a way and I’m filling out my address details.

I type the whole lot in, tabbing to the next field, only the State field is a select box, and I can’t tab to it. At this point I really want to punch the next hipster I see in the face.

Eventually the thing asks me for my credit card details. I.. fill them in, the entire time wondering just how far this phone has stuck it’s tentacles in before I can even make a fucking phone call.

Conclusion: iPhone users must like to take it in the arse.