The USS Quad Damage

Top Gear Australia

Looking forward to something no one is looking forward to

Everyone thinks Top Gear Australia is going to be a waste of time. However, this is how I imagine it turning out (for the purposes of this exercise, I’m assuming the hosts are named Gary, Barry, and Todd):

Australian Roads; outback

Gary in a Merc SLK taking it 'round a corner. Intense music.

Gary: You can see the grip, even in Australia’s harsh climates and sub-par roads, it handles beautifully.

Camera, in one long shot, goes out of the car, zooms in on the wheels, then zooms back out so you can see Gary through the windshield.

Gary: The engine is vastly superior to the old SLK. With all the work Mercedes have done, this car is their greatest triumph...

Camera goes around the car as it squeals under the pressure Gary’s putting on it. Smoke is coming out of the tyres. We can see a brick house in the distance.

Gary: SHIIIIIT!!!!

Camera goes into slow motion as the music becomes tense. The merc slams into the brick house, exploding into a ball of flames.

Gary’s house, indoors

Alarm is going off (11am), Gary’s eyes open wide, then close half way as he realises it was just a dream. Gary slams on the “off” button and walks into the toilet. A high pitched sound is heard, presumably the tap.

Cafe, outdoors, morning

High pitched sound of a coffee being made. Barry pays for it, grabs it, and goes to take a seat next to an attractive woman.

Barry: Yeah, so I says to the barber, I says...

Cut to Todd; outdoors

Todd is sitting outdoors, with a pen and paper.

Todd: Plexiglass... what rhymes with plexiglass...

phone rings (U2’s “a beautiful day”). Todd picks it up

cut to Barry

phone rings (The Police’s “Message in a bottle”). Barry picks it up

cut to Gary, on the toilet seat

phone rings (Nokia default ringtone). Gary fumbles through his pants on the floor and picks it up

Gary: Hello?

cut to Todd

Todd: Yeah this is Todd...

cut to Barry

Barry: I’ve been selected to host Top Gear Australia!?

cut to Gary

sound of diarhhea

Gary: OMG!

cut to Todd

Todd seems uncomfortable

Todd: Of course, I shall be there at once.

Todd hangs up and starts walking uncomfortably, his legs slightly apart.

cut to Barry

Barry (to attractive woman): I’ve been selected to host Top Gear Australia.

Attractive woman smells a pungent, distasteful aroma

Attractive woman: What’s that smell?

Barry: (concerned) Erm... the smell of (more confident) being selected for Top Gear Australia!

Attractive woman: err.. right.

Barry turns to walk away

Attractive woman: You will change your pants before you go there, won’t you?

Barry: It is my DESTINY!

Triple shot of (ordinary) cars and hosts getting in them.

All three get into their cars to go to the Top Gear Headquarters, and promptly start reviewing them. Fast cuts between their reviews as Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir starts playing.

Gary: It’s amazing that they thought about ...

Todd: ... space is quite adequate, but that’s not to say ...

Barry: ... incredulous, but that doesn’t we can’t all have...

Gary: ... It’s a car which reminds me of my mother’s soup ...

Barry: ... It’s a pretty engine note, but there’s just no power ...

Roll start credits. Transition to Top Gear theme as the reviewers pull up to Top Gear Headquarters.

Real Top Gear Australia isn’t going to be anywhere near as good...