I feel ill, and it could be any number of things
I've been feeling ill since this morning, and I'm trying to figure out why. Originally this was going to be an angsty piece about how my life sucks, but I know better than to blame my mind for something that could well be a physical problem.
You see, I moved out recently, and I'm not sure I've been taking care of myself. My diet's changed, probably for the worse. I also haven't been getting any exercise, to the point where I'm actually slightly worried about my health. The entire point of moving out was to get more exercise and learn to make my own food. I haven't done either. I could blame the fact that I'm completely uncomfortable in the kitchen (living with two other people, it isn't as easy to set up a good personal space), but I know better. It's really my own fault, and I really should put the effort in to make myself a good meal each night.
As for the exercise, I'm really NFI for that one too. All I've got is the fact that I wake up later, so I get home from work later, which gives me no exercise time. The only thing I can really do is make the effort to wake up early, and come home early, and then I can worry about exercise.
Work isn't doing so well. Considering I have plenty of time to spend at work, I seem to be spending that time but don't get all that much more done. Even the extra stuff I get done doesn't seem to go too far, there's always work to fill the gap. Everyone's pressing to get more stuff done from me, and I don't seem to see much from it. The more work I get, the less time I spend sucking up effectively, which is probably the only thing that'll get me an actual increase in my paycheck.
I don't think I'm "burning out", because the work atmosphere is easy and relaxing, it's just that work isn't how I imagined spending my life. I don't want to spend the majority of my day at some place doing the same bloody thing all day. I don't understand it, because people have it orders of magnitude worse than me, but don't complain. I don't understand why I should sacrifice my time and energy doing something for a machine which ultimately doesn't care about me. I guess I just have to balance things out. Maybe I'm getting a little too much of my work friends. It's fun playing games at lunchtime, in the evenings, on weekends, but there can be too much of a good thing. I question my own nerdiness at points like that. I'm a nerd, but I'm not that much of a nerd.
I'm furious at the problem I've had with my laptop. Unfortunately I've got no resolution to it. I've been a punce when I really should've been a lot more assertive the whole way through. I should never have paid for something I hadn't opened up first. I shouldn't have trusted the company to actually make an effort returning the thing, I shouldn't have trusted them to get it back in good time. It's been four months now, and I still don't have my laptop.
Words cannot express the things I want to do to the people at that company. The people at the top. I don't understand how the company got so big, I don't understand how those guys are making more money than me. I don't understand why the law can't help me, I don't understand the situation at all.
I also don't understand the resolution. I can't take to them with a hacksaw, even though I've imagined destroying their lives bit by bit, complete with details of how their families would suffer, and I'd "promise" to end their suffering when they gave me that laptop, only to make that suffering a thousand times worse.
I feel inept as a metalhead and a gamer. I should have the answer here. I feel like a coward with my tail between my legs. I should fucking know what to do, considering I know about strategy and how to win, and I have so many demons from which to draw my inspiration. There's so much I could do, but what would be the right thing to do? Here I'm paralysed. They're not worth my hate, but I still want some sort of justice.
Gigantour this Sunday, Nevermore the weekend after, and Metal for the Brain the night after. Hopefully that will herald the end of all the bullshit, and the beginning of a new year. Hopefully I'll have some perspective then.