The USS Quad Damage

Kids in western society today are risky business. You pay for them to grow up and they might become drug addicts (the standard way for kids to go, like getting run over by a bus for programmers). In addition, with their teenage rebellion they may never pay back the enormous wads of cash that you, as a parent, have afforded them.

So, in order to reduce risk and maximise return, I and some uni friends came up with a simple solution: float kids on the open market. Capitalism has all the answers, does it not? First, it lowers risk of having a baby. Instead of having to pay for them and putting them through to university, you simply float them on the market with a portfolio and promises of a decent upbringing, and then wait for the cash to start flowing in.

As they get older, you hand over the management of the kids to the kids themselves, giving them the responsibility of having to produce a quarterly results, managing the ownership of their stock, options, dividends, etc. Now when the kids whine "oh Mom, Johnny got one!" you can say "Well, Eggbert doesn't, and he's got a much more promising ROI."

If you want to adopt a child? Invest in a few kids instead! This leads to a diverse stock portfolio and you can sit on the board of directors. Then everyone will have more kids, be better parents, and have a happier, more healthy existence.