The USS Quad Damage

I'm still alive and holed up in my diy hovel. It's been a year and a half since I quit work and am still unemployed, and still refusing to take any form of "relief" from the government. Instead I mooch off the hard work of my parents.

In my own version of reality I felt the need to defend myself, and naturally, I distanced myself and removed anything which may cause any complications. A cowardly act without question... What I did find however, was that being so secluded and intraverted initiated a change in character for me to maintain and justify this behaviour.

My outlook and perspective on life has changed immensely, a rather defunct (i like that word) and negative 'air' clung to my newfound and completely selfish reality. Strangely, instead of escaping into mmorpg's and the like, I actually quit my subscriptions (removing myself from "virtual" contact as well as the real "human" contact). And soon thereafter my computer died.

I now have fears and self imposed restrictions which although appear to be (somewhat) unjustified, feel very real to me. These, combined with my above mentioned contaminated outlook, stop me from initiating a change in lifestyle to 'improve and better' myself. This in itself seems to be a poor excuse, but I can find no other.

What is quite astounding however, is the resulting schizophrenia. I am unable to define this with any degree of aptitude, suffice it to say that this is both scary and amusing at the same time. The question I repeatedly ask myself is what exactly initiated these events, what was I 'defending' against? I remain uncertain of the answers...

So... recently, I repaired my computer and am back online. I am very unhealthy physically (manboobs d-cup hah!) and am surprised that I haven't come down with something as a result. time for lunch now.