The USS Quad Damage

The price we all must pay

I pull down my pants... slowly. I know I shouldn't worry, but the heart of a ninja is always on edge, and his soul is ever aflame, ready for the next attack. I move quickly to avoid having my legs trapped by my pants. My fears are realised as the faint smell of a carnival wafts into my nose.


The Royal Order of Ninja Midgets, or RONM, were knocking on my doorstep, and they weren't invited. I could only be glad that I still had my underpants on. Not only does it look silly to kill 100 midget ninjas with your wang flopping around, it's also exceedingly uncomfortable. Or at least, so I'm told. A knock on the door, but it's only cursory, and rather condescending. They don't wait for me to open the door. But then, I don't wait for them to break open their faces.

Three lunge at me, hissing wildly. If they weren't so deadly, they'd almost be cute. A well placed uppercut to the jaw sets off a cascade of blood, and they land in a heap in the corner, their bloody carcasses looking like they belong in some freak porno movie. Of course, they're only a diversion from the 13 lunging at me from behind. They're small, so they fight like yoda. The thought of yoda sends me into a killing frenzy, and I bust one of their heads open with my fist. It's a bitch to clean, and not very efficient, but the satisfaction is worth it.

Four of them grab my naked leg. One of them frighteningly close to my crotch, a mistake my previous wife could have warned them of, were she not dead. A punch to his neck sets off a resonant wave that blows up his head, a neat trick I learnt in 'nam. I catch a bit of skull fragment in my eye, and flick it into the mouth of another RONM operative. He chokes on it and passes out as I grab another, sharper skull fragment and use it to sever the spinal cords of the other two. To me, this takes considerable time, despite being a fraction of a second. I'm getting slow.

Slow enough, in fact, to allow one of the Order to grab my eyes. Being a natural blind-fighter helps, but not if someone's actively trying to gouge out one's eyes. Again, I react: Whipping his hand around me, flicking his entire body in a vicious circle of death. His arm instantly snaps, but not before his flailing legs leave a crippling blow to at least 4 of his buddies. I use him like a sling, shooting him at more charging midgets. Each of his legs impale a midget each, while his arm is torn off from my heavy swinging.

I use his now severed arm to beat another midget across the face. He's small, even for a midget, so he falls down, concussed and haemorraging. The rest are far too afraid, now. Having killed 15 of their comrades in under 5 seconds does leave a psychological impact. However, the RONM are nothing if not honourable, so they all fight to their deaths. Their stories are far too uninteresting to be re-told, so I'll save myself the trouble. As the last of the Order falls to the ground, I wipe the blood from my mouth, and remember thinking "I hate royalty".

The blood on my breath remains as I wake to find it is my own. Then I remember: I'm dead. At least, I should be. I regain my senses to hear the most violent, bloodcurdling scream I have ever heard. While I am tied to an operating table, I can turn my head just enough to see a familiar face, with a familiar smile, teeth bloodied and gleaming.

nathan Yakimotosan has flipped out. A piece of stray glass falls near my hand, and I begin to use it to cut through the ropes that tie me down. Slow going as it is, I fade into reverie, and think about Yakimotosan.

Prince nathan Yakimotosan was a playful young man, and this is a story all about how his life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how he became the prince of a small island called Japan. In the Tokugawa Prefecture, Tokyo, born and raised, in the playground was where he spent most of his days. Tai-chi, Meditation, relaxing, practising Kendo outside of the school, when a couple of Yakuza (who were upto no good) started making trouble in his neighbourhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared, and said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Kyoto".

Unfortunately, those were the last words he heard of his mother. She was brutally raped and murdered by those yakuza, along with the rest of his family. Screaming revenge, he buries his family and learns to become a ninja, then he goes after the yakuza. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they grew up in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night.

By the time I came out of reminiscing, I had already cut through the glass. Quickly freeing myself, I realised what I must do. Yakimotosan had killed everyone in the room. Guards, doctors, everyone. The room looked like one giant pool of blood. Wading through it, my biggest danger was not the rest of this ship. It wasn't even Admiral Von Schauser. At this moment, the biggest threat to the team was nathan Yakimotosan: He had flipped out, and he saw nothing but rage. He would kill us all without even blinking. Luckily, as ninja, we are taught to prepare for events like this.

As I wade through the blood-filled room, I notice the rest of the members are still not awake. tim, Harpreet, Michael, Paulo, they all looked alive. I also notice that Aiki Yukio, better known as Blood Ninja, was missing. I went straight for nathan, not taking me eyes off him and not hesitating for a second. A flipped out ninja first senses your fear. His eyes are too blood-red to be any use. His screams make his ears useless. Most importantly, and the only real reason I can approach him without fear of getting killed, was that he was busy eviscerating the body of a guard he had recently killed.

I do the only thing I can to a flipped out ninja: I reach into his chest, and tear out his heart. This is normally fatal... normally...