The USS Quad Damage

Wow.

Heavy, huh? I mean, this is even true of the people I really like. I DO really like them all. I really appreciate the time they spend with me. I'll have a really bad day and I can talk to some friends and I go home or whatever feeling good. But it still doesn't change that fundamental feeling.

Give me a doomsday device, and I'll use it. Over and over if that's what it takes. I want to see giblets of people lying everywhere I go. Including people I know and love. Including me. There's something about humanity that just... I don't know.

And then sometimes it happens. You see or hear to talk to someone or something that's really beautiful. Beautiful in concept like a butterfly looks. People have the ability to create some really beautiful things. Really beautiful things mixed with the total filth of everyday life. Like a flower growing in a pile of shit, except there's new shit that comes to cover the flower, possibly killing it.

It's only made worse by the fact that people can see this every day and still be so lax about it. It's like seeing someone killed near you and no one cares. It's like seeing something beautiful destroyed over and over and no one gives a shit until it's far too fucking late and society decides it's appropriate to care, when it builds giant piles of shit in the shape of a flower, and feels better about how it's saved or created this thing, which doesn't even resemble the beauty of what's been destroyed...

After all that, people come to ME and ask me why I'm not more optimistic, or happy. They give me this whole "how can you hate the world and the people in it". That shits me the most, they kill, and while swimming through their bloody shit, they tell me the water's fine, and they ask me how I can even think badly of them. How can I not?

I think it was Chris Rock who said it, and it applies about fair chunks of the world: "It's like the uncle who payed your way through college, but molested you as a child". Thanks fuckers, but keeping me alive just so you can fuck me in the ass, and you want me to be thankful? You want me to take it with a smile?

I'll smile, then, OK? But I'm going to do my best to, one day, fuck you right back.