The USS Quad Damage

Back in the days of old, it was easy to see if your kids were listening to the devil’s music. Grab their records, play them backwards, and if you hear the voice of satan commanding them to do evil, you know that you have to burn your devil children at the stake. However, in today’s modern society, with CDs and MP3s, it can be tough for a parent to monitor their children’s collection. For one thing, it’s a whole lot larger. More CDs can fit more music into a smaller space than records. MP3s can go smaller still. The devil also hasn’t been sitting still. He’s learnt new tricks, and can embed evil signatures into the frequency spectrum of a song. Further, since the music is “digital”, parents may have to invest thousands in signal processing software to play the music backwards, or analyse it using a spectrograph. Even if you could afford it, stealing into your son / daughter’s room, taking all their CDs and copying them to your computer is a violation of copyright, which makes you a pirate.

God hates pirates.

However, there is a way you can quickly identify your children’s music as the devil’s. It’s simple, and goes no further than reading the CD covers. All you have to do is look for the following signs:

• Extremely long band / album / song titles. Anything where the title has to be word-wrapped to fit is a sure sign of the devil’s music. (eg: “Enthrone the Darkness Triumphant”, “The loss and curse of reverence”)
• Spelling “of” with a “v” (ie: “ov”). Evil people are different to normal people, so they spell things differently (eg: “Sculpting the throne ov Seth.”)
• The word “burn” in the title. “Burn” often refers to “burning in hell”, and is almost always a sign of the devil’s involvement. (eg: “Heaven shall burn”, “With strength I burn”, “As the palaces burn”, “Burn my eyes”, “Burn in Hell”) (exceptions: “Burnin' down the house” by that delightful Tom Jones)
• Speaking in tongues. Often, bands with growly lead singers are actually trying to lead children to god. In order to separate the good from the bad, you must look at the song titles, and sometimes the lyrics. Devil music is often not in English, or encourages worship in false gods (like Odin). (eg: “Det nye riket”, “Mysteriu Coniunctionis”, “Reigon Ov Shemsu-Hor”)
• Pentagrams, inverted or otherwise.

* I’ll have to explain the last one a little more. Many parents believe that since there are many popular witches on TV (eg: on “Charmed”, “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”, “Bewitched”, etc.) that witchcraft and witchy music in general must be OK. Since pentagrams are related to witches, they are not the devil’s work. Let’s get this on the record: Witches are not Okay just because they’re on TV. While there are many great people that try and keep filth off the air (like the excellent family first party), TV is still not entirely wholesome. They have shows which depict gay pornography (“Will and Grace”, “Rove Live”) which is certainly not OK. Therefore, witchcraft is also not OK, so pentagrams are out, inverted or otherwise.

I’ll be adding to the signs above, but I need your help. If you have any “experts” in the field of devil music, please leave comments to help find more things that are sure-fire signs that your children are listening to the devil’s music.

Also, I recently found out that “kids” are the children of goats. The term is used loosely when applying to human children. Goats are the devil’s animals. If you see anyone calling their children “kids”, slay them immediately!!! You’ll be glad you did.